I think I’ve said before that early traumas result in a fixation, in one way or another, at a certain age emotionally.  That said, there is something that is incredibly healing about love….always….if it’s real.  Despite the early traumas, being truly loved is one of the most therapeutic things that can happen to a person.  It helps to remove the emotional fixations at an earlier age.  You cannot have a truly mature adult relationship and be fixated at an earlier age emotionally at the same time.

Unfortunately, many folks gravitate to the type of person that will only reinforce or strengthen their difficulties.  He may be the most outgoing and talkative guy.  Or she may be the most physically attractive.  But what matters more is what’s on the inside.  Is he or she sensitive, caring, loving, patient, and kind?  You have to wonder a bit about the most outgoing person at a party. 

I teach my patients to please stay away from the following…especially women..

1). Stay away from the smooth talker.  The charmer…  The most outgoing fellow who appears to have no anxiety about talking to you.

2). The shy fellows have more restraint, stability, and emotional control.  Don’t go for the first person who comes up to you.

3). Stay away from folks who have a history of drug, alcohol, or legal problems.  You are opening yourself up for an unstable relationship.  What you want is someone who is stable. 

4). Sometimes folks have a bit of an addiction to instability.  It gets their adrenaline pumping.  It’s exciting.  It’s kind of like riding a roller coaster.  Through this out the window….and learn to tolerate ‘boredom.’  You may feel bored with things that most folks find to be ‘normal,’ but you need to learn how to tolerate this if you are ever to have a stable relationship.

5). Love is not just an emotion.  I encouter this so often that it’s almost universal.  Love is a great deal more action than it is feeling.  As the Bible defines love, “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1)  Now, where is the feeling here?  Maybe under the surface a bit, but secondary to ‘action.’  Love is a choice and is composed of actions to a much greater extent than folks in society today want to believe.

6).  Make sure he or she is pretty close to your intelligence level.  If you don’t have this, you will have trouble respecting your mate.

7).  Make sure there is not a pattern of instability in relationships.  If the person you are dating has a history of short-term and stormy relationsips, you can probably expect more of the same.

8). Learn about your patterns.  If you always chose the wrong fellow or the wrong gal, you may want to date someone who is the opposite of the person you would normally chose.  You will do better if your feelings ‘grow slowly,’ than if you ‘fall deeply in love at first sight.’  You’re much better off if you find your feelings slowly growing than being intially extremely intense and fading with the more that you get to know the person.  You’re better off if you find that the more you learn about a person, the more you like them…and not the other way around.

(1). http://nasb.scripturetext.com/1_corinthians/13.htm

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