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There is a theory in psychology that says that we learn how to think about ourselves by what other people think of us (The Looking Glass Self). This is somewhat of a different way of saying, “You believe what other people think about you.” Or an even deeper level, “You believe what you think other people think about you.”
Now there is some truth to the notion. But it’s hardly the whole picture. It ignores the fact that we develop the ability to accept or reject feedback from other people. And, we invent feedback that is not spoken. This invented feedback is an interesting thing. Where does it come from? It comes from the person’s own mind. On some level, this is what they believe about themselves. This is the psychological defense mechanism of projection.
It is important to consider feedback from other people. Sometimes, we need to make some changes in how we see the world, how we think, and how we act. But, we need to keep in mind the difference between what is spoken by another person, “You need to work harder,” and what is projected, “She thinks I’m a lazy bum.” We have a natural tendency to want to take the perspective of another person. And this is an essential part of our humanity. But…but….here’s the catch. This is a place where our own conscious or unconscious thoughts about ourselves can be transferred to other people.
Maybe you’ve heard a saying similar to this:
“His opinion and 75 cents will buy me a cup of coffee.”
Now, some people seem almost completely immune to receiving, or responding to, feedback. These are people at the extremes…Extremely paranoid, extremely dependent, extremely independent, extremely ineffective, or extremely effective individuals. Sometimes, this immunity to feedback from others can be very adaptive (for extremely effective and extremely independent people). But other times it is very maladaptive, for the rest of the folk. So, if you are very effective in your life (you have a successful career, relationships, and are able to enjoy yourself), and don’t put a lot of stock in the feedback of others, you’re doing fine. But if you fall into any of the other categories, there may be a problem.
Some people have an excessive desire to please others. These people tend to be more dependent, and often engage in anticipatory projection, “If I don’t please everyone, they will hate me.” Some people are paranoid, “Everyone hates me and is out to do me in.” Again, this is projection, and a distortion in thinking called “Mind Reading.” The excesively dependent person also does a lot of mind reading, but not as extreme. Extremely ineffective people will excessively apply a variation of the quote above, “I’m just creative. I don’t have to fit in. Work is for ’squares.’”
So, the most important thing is being able to be flexible. There will be times when you accept actual feedback, and there will be times when you reject actual feedback. And by that, I mean what people actually say. Not what you imagine they say–not what you read in their minds from your own thinking. There are times when you will want to accept and respond to feedback, “She’s got a point. I need to change.” And, there are times when you may think, “His opinion and 75 cents will buy me a cup of coffee.” One way you can determine whether the feedback is something you want to respond to is evaluating the personality of the person giving the feedback. Do they fly off the handle with everyone? Do they always give negative feedback to everyone? Is their opinion respectable? Do they seem to know what they are talking about? Or, is it just something about them as an individual that caused them to give the feedback they did?
Now, I’ve focused mostly on accepting or rejecting negative feedback here. I’ll write a future post on accepting or rejecting positive feedback.
Guilt is defined as,
“an awareness of having done wrong or committed a crime, accompanied by feelings.”
“I’d define it more as,
“the perception of having done something wrong with accompanying feelings…it may be appropriate or inappropriate.”
Regret is defined as,
“sadness associated with some wrong done or some disappointment.”
I’d define it more with,
“realistic mild feelings of sadness associated with a realistic evalutation of something done or not done.”
We all make mistakes. We all sin. We all do wrong. It’s inescapable. If you don’t feel or believe that, you’re a psychopath. But for the rest of us, we feel it. Sometimes as an adaptive regret, sometimes, as maladaptive guilt. Not to say that feelings of guilt cannot sometimes be adaptive, because they can. Only to the extent to which they result in a change in future behavior. You can only learn from your past experiences and make appropriate adjustments.
And adaptive way of looking at things would be,
“I did wrong. I shouldn’t have hit her. I will do everything I can to avoid doing anything like that again.”
A maladaptive way of looking at things would be,
“I’m such an ass. I hate myself. I shouldn’t have hit her. I hate myself.”
There’s nothing truly adaptive in that statement. There is no future orientation. It serves no purpose. It is useless. It can often end up being manipulative,
“Honey, I hate myself. I treated you badly. I know I’m an ass.”
And the response,
“That’s okay. I know you were just angry. I shouldn’t have made you so angry.”
So, you can guess what happens next in this scenario. Completely predictable. He beats up on her again. He says he feels like an “ass” and she forgives him. Now lets see the difference with regret.
“I’m sorry I hit you. I feel very badly about that. I’m going to get some help. I know I have an anger problem. I think we both need counseling too. Let’s get counseling. I’m going to get counseling for myself too.”
Now, it’s not just the words. It’s the actually following through on the words that demonstrates that genuine regret is felt. If the words are not followed through on, it is a manipulation. Irrelevant, and maladaptive pattern that will be unlikely to change.
So, the moral of the story is, that when you do something wrong, you learn from it. You feel some sadness about what you did, and you look forward. You think to yourself that in the future you will handle a similar situation in a different way. You have asked God for forgiveness, and you trust that He has given it. You realize that you may fail, but you are ever committed to changing and improving. That’s the best we can do, and no better.
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