There is a theory in psychology that says that we learn how to think about ourselves by what other people think of us (The Looking Glass Self).  This is somewhat of a different way of saying, “You believe what other people think about you.”  Or an even deeper level, “You believe what you think other people think about you.”

Now there is some truth to the notion.  But it’s hardly the whole picture.  It ignores the fact that we develop the ability to accept or reject feedback from other people.  And, we invent feedback that is not spoken.  This invented feedback is an interesting thing.  Where does it come from?  It comes from the person’s own mind.  On some level, this is what they believe about themselves.  This is the psychological defense mechanism of projection. 

It is important to consider feedback from other people.  Sometimes, we need to make some changes in how we see the world, how we think, and how we act.  But, we need to keep in mind the difference between what is spoken by another person, “You need to work harder,” and what is projected, “She thinks I’m a lazy bum.”  We have a natural tendency to want to take the perspective of another person.  And this is an essential part of our humanity.  But…but….here’s the catch.  This is a place where our own conscious or unconscious thoughts about ourselves can be transferred to other people. 

Maybe you’ve heard a saying similar to this:

“His opinion and 75 cents will buy me a cup of coffee.”

Now, some people seem almost completely immune to receiving, or responding to, feedback.  These are people at the extremes…Extremely paranoid, extremely dependent, extremely independent, extremely ineffective, or extremely effective individuals.  Sometimes, this immunity to feedback from others can be very adaptive (for extremely effective and extremely independent people).  But other times it is very maladaptive, for the rest of the folk.  So, if you are very effective in your life (you have a successful career, relationships, and are able to enjoy yourself), and don’t put a lot of stock in the feedback of others, you’re doing fine.   But if you fall into any of the other categories, there may be a problem.

Some people have an excessive desire to please others.  These people tend to be more dependent, and often engage in anticipatory projection, “If I don’t please everyone, they will hate me.”  Some people are paranoid, “Everyone hates me and is out to do me in.”  Again, this is projection, and a distortion in thinking called “Mind Reading.”  The excesively dependent person also does a lot of mind reading, but not as extreme.  Extremely ineffective people will excessively apply a variation of the quote above, “I’m just creative.  I don’t have to fit in.  Work is for ’squares.’” 

So, the most important thing is being able to be flexible.  There will be times when you accept actual feedback, and there will be times when you reject actual feedback.  And by that, I mean what people actually say.  Not what you imagine they say–not what you read in their minds from your own thinking.  There are times when you will want to accept and respond to feedback, “She’s got a point.  I need to change.”  And, there are times when you may think, “His opinion and 75 cents will buy me a cup of coffee.”  One way you can determine whether the feedback is something you want to respond to is evaluating the personality of the person giving the feedback.  Do they fly off the handle with everyone?  Do they always give negative feedback to everyone?  Is their opinion respectable?  Do they seem to know what they are talking about?  Or, is it just something about them as an individual that caused them to give the feedback they did?

Now, I’ve focused mostly on accepting or rejecting negative feedback here.  I’ll write a future post on accepting or rejecting positive feedback.