Guilt is defined as,
“an awareness of having done wrong or committed a crime, accompanied by feelings.”
“I’d define it more as,
“the perception of having done something wrong with accompanying feelings…it may be appropriate or inappropriate.”
Regret is defined as,
“sadness associated with some wrong done or some disappointment.”
I’d define it more with,
“realistic mild feelings of sadness associated with a realistic evalutation of something done or not done.”
We all make mistakes. We all sin. We all do wrong. It’s inescapable. If you don’t feel or believe that, you’re a psychopath. But for the rest of us, we feel it. Sometimes as an adaptive regret, sometimes, as maladaptive guilt. Not to say that feelings of guilt cannot sometimes be adaptive, because they can. Only to the extent to which they result in a change in future behavior. You can only learn from your past experiences and make appropriate adjustments.
And adaptive way of looking at things would be,
“I did wrong. I shouldn’t have hit her. I will do everything I can to avoid doing anything like that again.”
A maladaptive way of looking at things would be,
“I’m such an ass. I hate myself. I shouldn’t have hit her. I hate myself.”
There’s nothing truly adaptive in that statement. There is no future orientation. It serves no purpose. It is useless. It can often end up being manipulative,
“Honey, I hate myself. I treated you badly. I know I’m an ass.”
And the response,
“That’s okay. I know you were just angry. I shouldn’t have made you so angry.”
So, you can guess what happens next in this scenario. Completely predictable. He beats up on her again. He says he feels like an “ass” and she forgives him. Now lets see the difference with regret.
“I’m sorry I hit you. I feel very badly about that. I’m going to get some help. I know I have an anger problem. I think we both need counseling too. Let’s get counseling. I’m going to get counseling for myself too.”
Now, it’s not just the words. It’s the actually following through on the words that demonstrates that genuine regret is felt. If the words are not followed through on, it is a manipulation. Irrelevant, and maladaptive pattern that will be unlikely to change.
So, the moral of the story is, that when you do something wrong, you learn from it. You feel some sadness about what you did, and you look forward. You think to yourself that in the future you will handle a similar situation in a different way. You have asked God for forgiveness, and you trust that He has given it. You realize that you may fail, but you are ever committed to changing and improving. That’s the best we can do, and no better.
3 comments
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August 12, 2008 at 11:05 am
DB Williams
I agree wholeheatedly! To harm someone you love, or anyone else, and then take the approach that “I’m an ass…” is ultimately either a waste of breathe or a manipulation, and perhaps, without realization: been there, done that!
I agree, the first step, after committing a wrong, is to “repent,” or turn from that harmful way…to God and His forgiveness. I also agree that a person must seek to correct his or her harmful ways: couseling, accountability with a trusted friend etc. But, to me, or at least, in my experience, I have found that I “can do nothing” apart from God! There’s an old Yes song that goes, “…only through LOVE change comes:” only through the love of God and our reliance on Him to help us can “change come.”
In my experience (and perhaps, this isn’t true of everyone), self determination or self anything will never, in the end, produce the most effective and affective, desired result. Only God can help us to that end!
August 12, 2008 at 12:30 pm
thecountryshrink
I agree! For many people I’ve worked with, it is only in the context of their relationship with God that they are able to make these changes. I’ve seen people who nothing else was beneficial other than examining scripture and their relationship with God. I know, I’ve tried numerous other ways without success. Once, I switch to the context of their relationship with God, immediate and permanent gains are made.
August 12, 2008 at 5:45 pm
DB Williams
This is the love and sovereignty of God: “the assurance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen:” Faith! In my heart and mind, what you said, above, is measurable evidence (empirical) that God not only exists but is active in our lives!