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For many people, small talk is very confusing.  It seems irrelevant, unimportant, and lacking in depth or significance.  These same people tend to have a lot of trouble in making friendships, and have trouble “figuring out what to say,” when talking to others.  On the other hand, they tend to be fairly deep individuals.  I was one of those people who was baffled by small talk.  I made a study of it, and I thought I’d share what I found.

Example 1:

“Wow, it sure is hot today.”

“Nah, it ain’t hot.”

[conversation over]

The basic notion is that nearly everyone is nervous about talking to somebody new, or even to people who are associates where there has been no close friendship established.  Small talk serves at least two purposes:

(1). To diffuse social anxiety

(2). To lay a potential foundation for a deeper relationship

Small talk is a safe way that people can establish the beginnings of a relationship or to maintain a distant relationship.  The example I gave above is one reason some people are often baffled by small talk.  They don’t see the point of it, and don’t know how it works.

Example 2:

“Wow, it sure is hot today.”

“Yeah, I can see how you would think that.  I’ve been outside all day and I must be getting used to it.”

“Yeah, that can happen sometimes.”

“Yeah, I get to the point where I hardly notice how hot it is, I get so involved in my work.”

“I understand that…sometimes I get so involved in my work that hours can go by without me noticing.”

“What kind of work do you do?”

“I’m an accountant.  I just get caught up in the numbers sometimes.”

“My brother is an accountant.  He always was pretty good with numbers.”

You can see as example 2 unfolds, these two people are learning things about each other.  They start out as unknowns to one another, but the relationship progresses as they talk about seemingly nothing.  But they are not talking about nothing.  They have established a basic connection.  If the conversation ended at this point, these two people would feel more comfortable in talking to each other the next time they meet, and the relationship could be deepened further.

So, what went wrong in example 1?  I use a ping-pong analogy to explain the problem here.  The first speaker hits the ball across the net, and the second speaker turns and hits the ball off of the table…conversation over.  The important thing is to simply acknowledge what the other person says, and you can add your own perspective.

Let’s look at the subtext.

“Wow, it sure is hot today.”  [Being polite.  I wouldn't mind talking to you for a little while.]

“Nah, it ain’t hot.” [What's wrong with you?  Don't you know it's not hot?  Are you dense?]

First speaker thinks, “Sheesh!  I was only trying to make conversation.  This person doesn’t want to talk.”

Let’s try it with the second example.

“Wow, it sure is hot today.” [Being polite.  I wouldn't mind talking to you for a little while.]

“Yeah, I can see how you would think that.  I’ve been outside all day and I must be getting used to it.” [I acknowledge how you see things.  I also add my perspective.  I wouldn't mind talking to you a little more.]

“Yeah, that can happen sometimes.” [Simply acknowledges perception.]

“Yeah, I get to the point where I hardly notice how hot it is, I get so involved in my work.”  [Ok, you want to talk a little more.  I'll tell you a little bit about myself.]

So, the point is that small talk is a basic building block in forming new relationships.  It’s not that difficult to do with practice.  Just keep in mind the ping-pong analogy when you are doing it.  When you notice the conversation has abruptly ended, you might think about whether you just hit the ball off of the table.  The next time you try it, you can avoid doing that a little better.