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Believe it or not, we all have self-defeating expectations at times.  What do I mean by this?

“I wish I could meet someone to date…”

“What have you done to try to meet somebody?”

“Well nothing.  Nobody would want to date me anyway.”

“Hmmm…”

A self-defeating expectation is different from outright self-sabotage.  With self-sabotage, a person approaches a goal only to shoot themselves in the foot by something they do.  For example, a person might drop out of college with only a class or two left to complete before achieving a degree.  Secretly, they may fear that they will fail in their chosen career path, so it’s short-circuited before it even has a chance to start.

Most often with both patterns, there is an element of anxiety that is often subtly concealed.  There can sometimes be a deep-seated belief, “Whatever I do, I am doomed to fail.”  This often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  A person brings about that which they fear.

Now, believe it or not, sometimes a self-defeating pattern brings about things that are more positive in a person’s life.  I remember one lady whose grandmother wanted her to become a nurse.  She had a very close relationship with her grandmother.  One day, her grandmother was complaining about a pain in her leg.  Her grandmother remarked, “Oh, I probably just pulled a muscle.”  And she responded, “Yeah, probably so.”  Two days later, the grandmother was dead because a blood clot in her leg dislodged and ended up in her heart.  This woman felt tremendously guilty—that she had caused her grandmother’s death by not suggesting that she see a doctor.  She felt she had to fulfill her grandmother’s dreams for her in becoming a nurse.  But she struggled in college.  She became more depressed.  She kept flunking certain classes.  It was not because she lacked intelligence—I tested her IQ level and she should have been able to get all A’s or at least A’s and B’s in every class she took.  What we discovered was that she didn’t really want to be a nurse.  Once she was able to resolve her feelings of guilt about her grandmother’s death, she was able to see that her grandmother would have wanted her to choose a profession that she wanted to choose.  She switched majors and started getting the A’s and B’s that I knew she was capable of.

Sometimes the patterns of self-defeat run a little deeper and keep repeating over and over.  Most often, this has to do with a pattern of experiences in childhood that leads the person to have deep doubts about the competence or effectiveness.  These patterns take longer to resolve, because the self-defeating beliefs are very strong and resist change.  Sometimes, these patterns take several years to resolve.  There may be numerous subtle anxieties that keep a person in a repeating pattern of self-defeat.  But, if you are truly motivated to overcome these patterns and have a shrink that you connect with, you can overcome these patterns with a lot of hard work.  Unfortunately, there is no medication that will help you do this, and there is no quick fix.  It is difficult to resolve these patterns outside of a psychotherapeutic relationship, because everyone has their blinders.

Race horses are fitted with blinders.  The blinders restrict their field of vision to basically straight ahead of them.  This is so they do not become frightened by other things that are going on around them.  People have “mental blinders,” defenses that keep them from recognizing those things that frighten them.  Psychotherapy can help people remove these blinders and confront their fears and anxieties.