Repeating Life’s Patterns-Part I

I remember one fellow I saw. He was a bartender. Over the years, he joked to all of his friends, “I’ve been a bartender since I was six.” He started out by getting his father a new beer whenever requested (which was often). He didn’t know any different. This was normal family life to him. Then his father was killed in a truck driving accident when he was 8-years-old. His mother became extremely depressed and couldn’t function (couldn’t cook, couldn’t comfort, couldn’t provide parental correction, and so forth). So, he became the perfect boy (independent, high achieving, extremely helpful, protective of those with emotional needs, and so forth).

Unfortunately, he missed out on his childhood. When he became an adult, he dropped out of college, started using drugs, hooked up with women who were bad news, and generally disappointed his mother. She didn’t give him any attention or concern after the death of his father (she couldn’t). He missed his dad horribly. He became a bartender to repeat the early pattern (serving beer and liquor to folks). He also repeated a number of other patterns from his relationship with his father.

These things represent an unconscious wish “for a better outcome.” The person wishes greatly that things had not turned out the way that they had. They keep repeating, in ineffective ways, the early traumatic experience. Unconsciously, they are trying to resolve the early problem–to make things turn out differently. On another level, their symptoms are communicating the problem from their past. When they end up finding a shrink who can understand these things, they are finally able to communicate, verbally, what bothered them so horribly. Unfortunately, with today’s training, there are not many shrinks who can understand this unconscious communication. It’s rare that I don’t see this communication. I see it every single day in my practice. The symptom communicates the problem.

Just as when you have an intense pain in your shoulder communicates that there might be a physical problem with your shoulder. This prompts you to seek medical attention. Life patterns and problems also prompt people to seek psychological help. Too often, this is not recognized in my opinion.